. a slightly different post from me today perhaps, though all aspects of life contribute to the people we are in some way: this evening, as Pheobe went to her sewing group I went to my first ever school reunion. A strange affair indeed. I've been back to the school a few times to watch Pheobe competing in different running events that are often held there, but this was my first time back inside the buildings themselves - including the former youth club....the scene of my first experience of 'discos' & also where me & my first girlfriend Carol met....I wandered around for awhile with my name badge on & recognizing no one at all....exorcising the past is something I did a long time ago in terms of my time at school....see, I was one of those kids who seemed to attract the bullies & yes, they followed me through my time at school....my memories are mostly of me being strong though, of standing still while I was pushed....refusing to be beaten....except inside I sort of was, at least I felt like that. My mum & the home she made for us was safe & warm....but, then there was a bully there too for awhile....you know, people find different ways to cope with being bullied, some can't find a way at all....some become afraid, some fight back, some self harm, some - like me - become a joker....always trying to make people laugh & always wanting someone to make me laugh....I just carried on smiling & finding things to make me feel excited & inspired....my 'fight back' against the bullying is, I believe, partly why I have had a life of exploration & creativity....I saw the 'men' & I didn't like the life that most men were & still are supposed to follow....I turned against anything that I was 'supposed' to be & to do.....it helped me get past that time in a boys life where he either tows the macho line or not....ah, yes - i'm going on a bit I know, but tonight I feel like it....this is who I am tonight & life is wonderful for all of it's elements....only one bully has ever got the better of me & it was emotional bullying not physical & from someone who I think needed to hurt someone & chose me....gee, I don't like talking about things like this on here really but it feels like a positive thing to do it right now, as I sit here just back from having returned to that school, to a part of the past....I think i'll leave this post up here for a few days & then remove it....so, lets skip the details: it happened & yes, it beat me....I felt lost & very very small....my wonderful daughter, Pheobe & the all the things my mum taught me helped me through some tough times, as did good friends & even a counsellor or two - oh & some tablets, though I am at last trying to get off those....& you know when things seemed to be very hard I started this blog & began sharing with you all the small details of life that simply make me feel happy or inspired in some way....cor blimey it has all been a very amazing journey these last 6 or 7 months....i've met (in reality or online) lots of nice people & have managed to cope better & better with the continuing aspects of that situation....I guess some scars we just have to accept & not fight against because no matter how much you wish they weren't there, the point is that someone else wanted them to be & sometimes, just sometimes, the bully gets what they want....what we can do then is to learn to live with that & find ways to let the experience make you able to share things with others that might help somehow....that in turn means we can perhaps see our scars & not feel as if they are brand new....so, there you go....a bit of the back story to why I started this blog....thank you all for your comments on it & your contributions....I hope you won't mind this post, it's a bit different I know....above is a photo taken on the school field the other day while I with Pheobe at the athletics competition she was taking part in (she came first in the 1500 metres, 3rd in triple jump & her team came second in the relay - wow !)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog