. this blog is about those simple moments of daily joy, but I hope you will all forgive me for a more complex post today. It's Mother's day here in the UK. I miss my mum very, very much. Sadly she had breast cancer & was 59 when she had to leave this planet behind. I can't put it into words at all. It is just a massive sense of loss. I think my mum carries on in the way I live & feel & think about life, love, care, respect, honesty, compassion etc etc. It is very hard to know whether to write this next sentance, especially today....I was single when my mum passed away & I was single ever since until I met my ex partner. It might sound rather strange to some but as we fell in love I began to feel I could finally let go & just have those times of falling into her arms & crying my heart out about missing my mum & that here was someone who saw all of the good things about me that I had learned from my mum & from life. Sadly for various reasons that didn't happen & I could never really express how much it hurt to be thought of in a negative way by someone who I wanted to know me on the deepest, closest level & I to know her that way too....so I kept on....other things came into our lives, difficult things. My ex partner needed a lot of support & I did my very best to give her that, but, without going into the details, certain things were said or done that caused me pain & upset at the time. It often took me a couple of days to process these things & to understand as best I could, but I never gave up & I always came to her with open arms afterwards. We were together for 6 years & actually on mothers day, the anniversary of my mum passing away & indeed my mum's birthday I was alone except for a couple of occasions. I wanted so much to talk to my ex partner about that & to get her understanding & yes, I wanted her compassion & determination to be there for me at those times (well, at all times of course). I really thought her arms where the ones that would hold me always & would be there to comfort me. You know, someone said to me once that I should never talk about my ex partner like this in public because it might put someone off who 'likes' me - well, I guess I want to be with people who accept that emotions aren't things you can put in boxes when it serves your purpose. Sometimes they just are & really it doesn't make anything more complicated or difficult to actually express them. At least it means i'm honest & I don't hide from them or from myself.

. today this post should only have been about my mum & Pheobe & the wonderful things about them both....i'll try to post again later on I think....but you know what ? I wanted to let that out. loss is very hard to deal with & especially when you have to stand by & know that nothing you can do or say will stop it.




I miss my mum so much. above is a photo I took this morning of a flower that must have opened overnight & also a photograph of a photograph of my mum when she was in her twenties....

Comments

scw1217 said…
I found your blog from naturerecording Yahoo Group. I think its great that you are so honest with yourself. I'm sorry too for your loss. Funny that I would read about it today on the day I must attend the funeral for my grandmother. I know exactly how you feel.
thank you for your words. I hope you are OK & I am sorry too for your loss. I know it's important to remember what we always have of those we love, no matter where they are but sometimes you just want to stop being sensible & cry your heart out. take care.

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